The Little Girl

I have a confession to make... since about middle school I have struggled with depression. For years I denied that I really had any problem, even though I knew that there was definitely a problem with the way I thought and felt. It was a rare day when I felt happy and hopeful, typically I was down on myself. I went to a few counselors but through it all I didn't really find anything that made me feel better. Then this spring I ran into a major problem... typically regardless of how depressed I felt I was able to get the things done I needed to. But this time I wasn't; it was my second semester of college and I stopped caring, i didn't do homework, I missed countless classes and just didn't even care, my life was a disaster. Finally I decided something had to change, so I went to the counseling office and signed myself up hoping that this time I would learn what I needed to to find a sense of peace in my life.

The doctor I got was amazing, I immediately felt a connection to the short round man who had amazingly friendly eyes. (for those of you who have seen the rescuers, just think of the little minion man... the way his clothes fit, his hair went, and everything, and add a few years, and that's what the doctor looked like). He was absolutely understanding and helpful, a major problem I have with counseling is that I hate talking about myself, but he would allow me to say just a little and then he would take the time to help me understand why it was I felt that way, by asking questions and explaining my answers. The most important thing I learned there, which absolutely changed myself, was about the little girl who lives inside me.

This little girl throughout the abuse in her young life came to the conclusion that people didn't love her... they were all judging her, it didn't matter what they were thinking, she just knew it was bad. The world was completely black and white, there was no gray area. With those conclusions people became terrifying, they were bad and judgmental, and as she grew those things that she had concluded were right and proper remained a part of her.

Since it was an acknowledged fact to my young self that people were bad I grew into someone who would judge myself before anyone else could as a defense mechanism. I became my own worst enemy; anytime I met someone knew I would feel judged and disliked. I never expounded on what they didn't like about me it could be anything. I was ugly, I was too smart, too dumb, I wasn't talented enough, I had bad style anything. As this grew worse, as others around me began looking forward to dating, I dreaded it, just  knowing that I would never be good enough for anyone to want to date, so I made myself so that people wouldn't want to date me. And as I judged myself I dug myself deeper and deeper into a cruel cycle of judgment, apathy, and dislike.

Finally I was taught a fact about the little girl who made the conclusions that so greatly affected my life. She was Wrong. I'm not a person who accepts being wrong easily, typically even if I admit I'm wrong, I do it in a way that the other person rarely realizes that I've admitted it, and then I'm right again, so it's all good. But I learned that by saying that I was right, that no one could ever love or accept me I was denying the power of the atonement and saying that God was wrong. This had never occurred to me, but as I thought about it I realized it was truth. I was denying what Jesus Christ had done for me. With this wonderful new insight into myself I was able to admit that the little girl was wrong. Though I still struggle with depression, no longer do I judge myself so harshly, and I've gotten much better at not projecting thoughts on people.

This struggle to forgive myself will take time, but now I know for a fact that I am not alone, Jesus Christ knows what I'm feeling and he is there with me willing to help me if I will but let him. As terrible as my shut down at college was. I am grateful that it happened and that I was able to meet such an amazing doctor and learn so many truths about the world and myself.