Almost 21 and stitches

Another Friday another blog-post. I'm really feeling quite successful at this.

Last Friday while walking around Rexburg on my date I commented that when I slip and fall I fall with grace. I forgot to mention that when I trip and fall it involves insane pain. Especially if I'm rushing when it happens. 

Last time I tripped and fell was in middle school. I was running across the grass and tripped right as I was about to run onto the cement, henceforth I landed on the cement and split open the knee of my favorite corduroys; as well as barking my knee pretty badly.

I thought that that hurt.

Yesterday, well I suppose technically this morning, I learned I was mistaken.

Yesterday started off with one of those mornings. I was doing great, finishing off some homework for class that day; actually doing my hair and makeup so I'd feel confident when I gave my explication in class.

Then, something went wrong. I the person who hates being late, and is usually five minutes early at the latest lost track of time. My first class starts at 9:45, I looked at my cell phone. It was 9:46.

I hurriedly slipped on my shoes and rushed out the door. 

Rushing is never a good idea.

I approached the road and as I went to step onto it the curb grabbed my foot and pulled me down. I hopped up quickly to avoid being hit by the two approaching cars and sort of skip hopped across the road. Once safe on the sidewalk I hobbled down to the Hinckley building running later than ever.

I arrived at my destination washed my hand that was barked and grabbed a paper towel for my knee.

In class I stuck the paper towel on my knee, through the hole in my new 40 dollars jeans. At this point that was the worst part.

3 hours later after two classes, a presentation, and a presented interpretation of Julius Caesar I went to the student health center as the scrape in my knee for three reasons.

1) what I thought was a scrape could aptly be described as a hole in my knee

2) I did not have a band-aid big enough to cover it

3) Since I landed on Asphalt I thought it might be a good idea to put anti-biotic stuff on it to avoid infection

When I got there the girl in charge of checking people in said they were booked for the day, and I explained that I just needed a band-aid for it. So she talked to a nurse who said she could clean it and bandage it up for me.

Sadly my supposition that I just needed a band-aid was greatly mistaken.

The Nurse took one look at it and said I needed stitches.

So there I sat two days from my 21st birthday being told I was going to have to get my first stitches.

I was not excited. 

So now I sit on the couch one day from my birthday with my knee throbbing so glad that I have a friend who can drive going home with me tonight since right now I don't think my knee would make the four hour drive from here to home.

Here's to my first stitches at almost 21 years of age.

That Horrible Class

It's another Tuesday, one of the two most dreaded days of the week. I know you're thinking the other dreaded day is Monday, but you'd be wrong, it's Thursday. Normally I have no bias towards any day of the week, excluding weekends naturally. But this semester Tuesdays and Thursdays have a large bias against them; this if for one reason and one reason alone. I-comm. What is I-comm you may ask, as everyone else does, well it's a class that is supposed to give you experience in a communications type career. Sounds interesting, that's what I thought as well. I've learned otherwise. The class is one credit, so I figured it wouldn't be too much homework, boy was I wrong. I'm part of the crew of designers, which is kind of fun, but the case load is insane. I get more homework from this one credit class than I get from any of my four 3 credit classes. Which is just wrong. And the worst part is that all that homework is on top of spending 3 hours a week in the classroom.
It's ridiculous how much work this class takes. "do this. Not like that, try this. Still no good, do it again." Over and over it repeats doing the same work over and over again.
So on this Tuesday, dreaded Tuesday, I am sick and I am definitely considering skipping the ridiculous I-comm class. In the end I'll probably end up going. But try to weasel out early.

Just Friends?

Through the time that I've been here at school I've learned a few things.
       1. College is pretty dang hard, and just because a class is one credit doesn't mean they're going to make it easy for you to get that credit.
       2. Finding friends is harder to do than you'd think.
       3. When you do make some good friends, that's when it really gets complicated.
Throughout my life I've found myself hanging out with guys more than girls. There are a lot of reasons for this, some I'm aware and some I'm sure are subconscious reasons that I don't understand. But the ones I'm aware of make perfect sense to me.
               Guys can take a punch, I'm a slightly physical person, you annoy me I'll hit you, and most girls just can't take that, especially since I really know how to punch :D. But my main reason is that guys don't tend to judge nearly as much as a lot of girls do. And what with my constant paranoia issues about judgement hanging out with guys has just been easier. A few times in the past people assumed that because I was hanging out and having fun with a guy I must like him, but putting them right was really quite simple.
            At an LDS college however it's completely different. Last year there were a couple guys that I hung out with quite a bit. They were pretty fun, we didn't do much but when we did hang out it was awesome, they'd make fun of me, I'd hit them, they'd hit me back. I loved it. It was my second semester of school and I was really starting to miss all of my guy friends from back home with whom I had a very similar relationship. It seemed so simple in my mind. We were friends, we hung out, teased each other, and would beat each other up if that sounded fun. However to my roommates it was something completely different.
        According to them I was "Flirting" this was beyond me, I've never fully understood the whole concept of flirting, it's completely beyond my weak grasp of logic, and so trying to understand how me being myself around guys constituted as flirting baffled me. After a semester of fighting with one roommate in particular over this disagreement in views I was able to convince her, after a huge blowout one Sunday afternoon, that I saw them as nothing other than friends.
        I had hoped I'd never have to face this dilemma again in my life, but it's started once again, with the same roommate, who now lives in a different apartment. I have a new guy friend who I can just goof around with and have fun. But to her once again it's flirting, and so last night she asked what was going on with me and this guy. I told her nothing, he's Just a Friend, but in her mind I worry that translates to I like him, but I don't want you to know.
         So here I am crossing my fingers and hoping that my old roommate won't complicate another one of my friendships. Because while I've warmed up to the idea of going on dates, the idea of dating still scares the heck out of me.

Frustrations

For some reason I sit in my apartment everyday, surrounded by the silent mystery of no people. And I do nothing, you'd think the quiet would be a great atmosphere to get homework done in, and for some people it might. But lately for some reason that I don't understand I've been listless, focusless, and most importantly feeling rather alone. This I don't understand, I have friends at school, I have wonderful roommates who are a blast, I'm finally starting to get in shape, I have amazing classes, with great teachers, and even with all that I feel isolated. It just doesn't make sense. There are times when I sit on my couch staring at my computer trying to convince myself that homework is what needs to get done, and the next thing I know I'm on Facebook, or youtube, or Hulu, and once again procrastinating everything that needs to get done. 
Of course I can't tell my mother this because then she'll worry about me more than she already does, which she doesn't need, she has enough stress in her life right now, with work, my dad, and my sister (who is simply insanely busy). And so I bottle it up, and the desire to cry tickles the corners of my eyes, while I sit stoically alone in the shadows of my misery that I have created on my own. 
I just hope that soon this will go away again... maybe I'll need to go see the counselor again, not that that would be a bad thing, I just want it all to go away so that I can be a normal healthy person who doesn't have emotional imbalances. 

The Little Girl

I have a confession to make... since about middle school I have struggled with depression. For years I denied that I really had any problem, even though I knew that there was definitely a problem with the way I thought and felt. It was a rare day when I felt happy and hopeful, typically I was down on myself. I went to a few counselors but through it all I didn't really find anything that made me feel better. Then this spring I ran into a major problem... typically regardless of how depressed I felt I was able to get the things done I needed to. But this time I wasn't; it was my second semester of college and I stopped caring, i didn't do homework, I missed countless classes and just didn't even care, my life was a disaster. Finally I decided something had to change, so I went to the counseling office and signed myself up hoping that this time I would learn what I needed to to find a sense of peace in my life.

The doctor I got was amazing, I immediately felt a connection to the short round man who had amazingly friendly eyes. (for those of you who have seen the rescuers, just think of the little minion man... the way his clothes fit, his hair went, and everything, and add a few years, and that's what the doctor looked like). He was absolutely understanding and helpful, a major problem I have with counseling is that I hate talking about myself, but he would allow me to say just a little and then he would take the time to help me understand why it was I felt that way, by asking questions and explaining my answers. The most important thing I learned there, which absolutely changed myself, was about the little girl who lives inside me.

This little girl throughout the abuse in her young life came to the conclusion that people didn't love her... they were all judging her, it didn't matter what they were thinking, she just knew it was bad. The world was completely black and white, there was no gray area. With those conclusions people became terrifying, they were bad and judgmental, and as she grew those things that she had concluded were right and proper remained a part of her.

Since it was an acknowledged fact to my young self that people were bad I grew into someone who would judge myself before anyone else could as a defense mechanism. I became my own worst enemy; anytime I met someone knew I would feel judged and disliked. I never expounded on what they didn't like about me it could be anything. I was ugly, I was too smart, too dumb, I wasn't talented enough, I had bad style anything. As this grew worse, as others around me began looking forward to dating, I dreaded it, just  knowing that I would never be good enough for anyone to want to date, so I made myself so that people wouldn't want to date me. And as I judged myself I dug myself deeper and deeper into a cruel cycle of judgment, apathy, and dislike.

Finally I was taught a fact about the little girl who made the conclusions that so greatly affected my life. She was Wrong. I'm not a person who accepts being wrong easily, typically even if I admit I'm wrong, I do it in a way that the other person rarely realizes that I've admitted it, and then I'm right again, so it's all good. But I learned that by saying that I was right, that no one could ever love or accept me I was denying the power of the atonement and saying that God was wrong. This had never occurred to me, but as I thought about it I realized it was truth. I was denying what Jesus Christ had done for me. With this wonderful new insight into myself I was able to admit that the little girl was wrong. Though I still struggle with depression, no longer do I judge myself so harshly, and I've gotten much better at not projecting thoughts on people.

This struggle to forgive myself will take time, but now I know for a fact that I am not alone, Jesus Christ knows what I'm feeling and he is there with me willing to help me if I will but let him. As terrible as my shut down at college was. I am grateful that it happened and that I was able to meet such an amazing doctor and learn so many truths about the world and myself.

Today is the day

Today is a pretty dang good day... if you ignore the fact that I have to watch a powerpoint that is narrated by my old teacher... who I had a strong disliking for. This morning I watched an old 1940's version of Hamlet, which was actually quite enjoyable. The best part of course was that Hamlet had an amazing chin and jaw line.
Today I am going to mow the lawn... I know that this doesn't sound like fun; however the overall outcome of mowing the lawn is wonderful. I will get paid and then I will be able to watch Fame tonight, which movie I have been looking forward to seeing for months. And then I get to go to Sherries for all you can eat pancakes. Really what could be better.
On top of all that there is a stake activity before that where I will get to watch a movie outside. It might not sound that special but watching a movie outside brings back awesome memories from last fall when we watched a movie outside in my carport, everyone huddled together in blankets and pillows trying to keep warm in the storm that blew up as soon as we had everything arranged.
All in all today is a wonderful day.

Fridays

Most people look forward to Friday with joy and anticipation. I on the other hand look to Friday with dread and angst, why you might wonder, it's because I have nothing to do on a Friday night. I'm broke for starters... my sister is out with her friends.... my friend is sick... and the other one is chatting away with her fiance.... and most likely going to sleep soon. And so I am stuck at home again with nothing to do. Maybe if I lived in a bigger city where there were hot spots for the young and restless to visit it would be different. But here in the small town reject area of Idaho there is nothing for an adventurous young person to do... It bites and I am so not a huge fan of this arrangement.

Note to Self: Get Friends who won't forget me

Having Been home for slightly over a month now I've run into one major hitch... my friends keep forgetting me. I never thought I was a particularly forgettable person but when the people that you've considered your best friends start forgetting you it makes you wonder. The first time I was supposed to be getting a ride to reception, but the person I was getting a ride from wasn't sure what time they were leaving to go, so they promised to call me... a day later and I was still waiting for a call, which bit major. Another time a different friend invited me to go to the fair with him and his girlfriend, again he wasn't sure what time they were going, so I said hey call me when you go... once again days passed... and you know I still haven't gotten a call and don't know what happened there. Then I tried to call a friend I'd had a bad day and I needed to talk to someone, I left a message and asked them to call back... it's been five days and I never heard back from them. And then today I got the most devastating one of all. Last Sunday I woke up with a migraine and was kind of shaky... I wasn't thinking clearly and forgot that Alex Boye was giving a fireside in Boise that night, I was super excited for this fireside when I first heard about it and ranted to all my friends... who all knew that I was obviously thrilled, as Mr. Boye is my musical hero. Today while talking to some friends I found out they had gone to the fireside, no one called me to see if I was feeling better and wanted to go, they didn't call to see if I had forgotten and wanted a ride... nothing at all. And today all one of them would say when I mentioned I didn't know where to go was... "you weren't in church". I have to say this made me feel like crud. And I have come to a decision, it's time for me to go out and find new friends, ones who will keep promises to call me, will think of me when there's something I ranted about attending but then missed church the day of. And most importantly friends who will never forget me

Just A little Fun

Have you ever met those kids that are  kind of rowdy and loud, and whenever they start having fun well it's of course a little bit loud and goofy. Well me and my sister are those kids, now there wouldn't be any problems at all if it wasn't for our dad. When we were little he'd goof off with us and be just as rowdy and loud as us, but anymore no matter how quiet we are we get in trouble. Like tonight, we were sitting on the couch in the same room as him because Mom was on the phone in the other room, we were laughing quietly not bickering you know just having a little fun. So he stops reading looks at us and tells us to take it downstairs, we weren't being loud or obnoxious, or bickering, but we still got in trouble for just having a little fun.
Because of this I've come to a resolution, if my kids, when I have some, are loud and rowdy I won't care, in fact I'll join in. As long as no one is being hurt, and nothing is being broken it'll be just fine behaviour. I will not stifle my children from having fun.